You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
