did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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