whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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