My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
