i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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