When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
