I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
