Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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