thus making me awesome and them whores
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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