the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
