I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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