Cold hands, warm shart.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
