As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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