if i can run in heels then i can drive
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Sorry my hands just texted you
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
