We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
