I bet he comes in French.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
