my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize