Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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