when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
