my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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