So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
