like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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