I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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