I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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