well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
