Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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