What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
