you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I love you. Go after that dick
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
