4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
