Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
