My balls are so social today.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize