Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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