if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
