My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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