I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
