I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ketchup is God's man juice
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
