I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
