I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
