so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
