If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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