did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my being single is dangerous.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
