Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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