guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I need to stop coming to work sober
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
