I love black thongs
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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