Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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