It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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