if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
