I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize