Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just found puke in my bra..
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
