at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
