He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
