When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
