So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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