My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
