Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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