It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Randomize
