just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
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