Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
