Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
