so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
How naked do you want me to be?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
