So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
