So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He? As in you personified your dick?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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