Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
