Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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