i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
