So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
