and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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