Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize