after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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