On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just tell him i said nine months
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
